Sunday, January 2, 2011

New year new me. Well a new bit of me.

We saw the new year in on Sydney harbour, a first for me. Kid free (thanks Grandma) and a fancy apartment (thanks Pete and Jen) so no horrid train trip home.

The fireworks were wonderful and the city surprisingly calm. There was a whole lot of drunk very young teens, my mind is still processing that. I don't get out much and was more than a little horrified at the apparent drinking culture of our nation's youth. Wow. Big one that. I was reminded by the extreme exhaustion of the following days that 3am bedtimes are in my past!

2011 for me has a number of goals. But they are all a blur thus far.

I know I need to get fitter and healthier. My heart problems of 2010 reminded me of that. AS well as the incident of not recognizing the woman holding my daughter in a photo. And the more pronounced creak when I sit on furniture these days! But I will work on that. And will reward myself with clothes instead of chocolate ;)

I also want to spend less time cleaning and tidying this house. I realise that although I can function better when its all tidy and clean, it seriously bugs the crap outta my family. And it steals my time, patience and energy because in a small old house with small children, its useless and short lived anyway. So I will clean less everyday. Most days. Ok sometimes. I'll try.

In my chat to Dan this evening watching a storm, I want to "mother" more than "maid" this year. And in my pondering came accross this quote:

"A mother's heart is a vast and glorious thing. My mother's heart was expansive, having been enlarged by suffering and years of clinging to Jesus while being misunderstood, dismissed, and judged by those she loved most. Me included. It had cost her to love, had cost her much to mother. It always does. But she would tell you that it's worth it, that there is no other way."
Stasi Eldredge (Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul)

I had plans for this year. And now I am entering 2011 feeling torn in two. We want to have a parent at home while our children are small. They are still small. And yet I have this burning desire to activate my mind and a passion to become a midwife. I am called to be a mum. But we just cant see how I can do it all. So placements come out in 17 sleeps. And I have no idea what to do with the results. How do I put my dream on hold and stay home and be mum, when I want to do each as equally as the other? Either way its going to require sacrifice. But I don't want my family to be the one to sacrifice. How do I teach my daughter she can be 'anything she wants', when I believe being a "Just a mum" (* no 'Just' about it!) is so phenomenally valued a role? It is all I want to be, yet only part of what I want to be. How do I explain that to myself let alone my children? See. confused. If you have figured it out can you let me know?

xx B.

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